at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
