you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
