Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
