dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
