In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
