seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize