Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
