I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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