there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
