I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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