wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize