my sisters under your porch take her home
Everything about him screamed your future.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
