I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Randomize
