She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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