Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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