he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
