Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
