why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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