tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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