We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
