Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
