phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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