I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
