textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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