I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
