the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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