Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
