Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
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