she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
