Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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