i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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