All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize