I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
