We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
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