i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
