well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize