it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
