I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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