I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
So squirting runs in the family.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
