You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
