On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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