She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
