I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize