Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
A+ Viking dick
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
