Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize