my mouth tastes like poor choices
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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