Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
