I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
