I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
