i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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