I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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