it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
bring money and cleavage
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
