you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
