The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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