am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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