90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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