cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
