If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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