I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
