i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
