You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
